Change in headspace

I have noticed over time that I have become more of an anxious person. The wife suggests I have been anxious the whole time, but when I was younger I had other ways of dealing with it (one of the reasons why I have quit 50+ jobs and never worked more than 10 months at any one job until I worked here). She very well could be right, I can definitely admit it.

The anxiety probably stems from my growing up poor, homeless and around so much violence (there are perks growing up in my family too, but those perks didn't help with my anxiety levels). Growing up in these kind of conditions actually damages a person mentally. I have a hard time not responding aggressively to stressful situations, and I need to just let things roll off of me. Another bad aspect is life spans are shortened considerably for people growing up in those stressful situations. Our anxiety mechanisms get broken and it effects the health later in life (even if you get out of the situation like I did, up until recently it was believed your stress system stays broken once it breaks). However, they have discovered neural plasticity, the ability for your brain to make new connections and learn new things. This in turn helps you change your stress reaction mechanism.

Now that I am approaching 40, it dawns on me that I probably wont die at a young age. Growing up I firmly never believed I would make it past 30. I would either end up in the military and dead in some foreign country, or in prison/gang violence (biker gang variety, not street gang, no experience with street gangs). I had never envisioned I would live to be older. Now that my life has turned out way better than ever expected, I need to consider the possibilities I might possibly hit 70+ years old. So now I have to look at my health.

Lately I have been trying to change my health. Hence my vegetarianism, working out, trying to eat right. Now I need to deal with the stress. This means I have to change almost 40 years worth of mental conditioning. I have looked at counseling, but I don't feel I have tried other options enough yet. I have considered Christianity, but I see too much hypocritical actions, and to be honest I am an ex-Catholic, the rest of the churches seem like pretenders to begin with, and I definitely can't go back to Catholicism (I disagree with too many of the stances). So I am currently meditating and considering Buddhism.

When I was 8, we went through 4 years of being Nichiren Buddhists. While the rest of my life during that time was still stressful, there was always a bit of peace when we chanted at the butsadan. It was something I didn't quite fathom at the time, I was an impatient child (almost feral really). Now that I am older I am interested in looking at Buddhism again. I am not sure if it would be Nichiren, Zen, or some other type of Buddhism. I very much like the tenants of all the different sects, and honestly I am not sure I would go fully religious about it (although the fact its more of a philosophy then a religion pleases me as well).

While I am looking at this, I need to do more about my mental head space and dealing with anxiety. I am trying to give myself positive self-affirmations (sounds stupid, but I give myself constant negative affirmations already, I figure if I can turn that around it will be worth it by itself). I am also going to try and let things roll off of me. I just need to breath deeper, not read the comments in political articles (those always flip me out) and mostly I need to focus on the here and now. Not worry about what happened in the past, or what might (or even will) happen in the future. I need to concentrate on the now and enjoying it.

I have started to ramble and this has gotten long so I will sum it up. I am attempting to live more in the now, let things I can't control roll off of me and love those I meet. Also, maybe I will take a look at Buddhism again.