worldoflucky: (Default)
Dreams Road SignI am trying to track my dreams again. This morning it was a longer dream, but I laid in bed long enough that a lot of it disappeared.

I dreamt me and the husband were living in a house. My parents were living there as well as my brother. We had been running around doing different things away from the house. I know that involved mostly just me and my hubby, when we got back the place was still cluttered. There were Battletech photocopies everywhere, moving boxes and just a messy floor.

I started cleaning things up and putting them away. For some reason I clearly remember sweeping the floor and picking up the Battletech books and photocopies. I was wondering where my parents were and as I was sweeping I realized why they were gone. I started looking around in some of the side rooms of the house and couldn't find them at all, which is unusual since my parents wouldn't usually leave the house unless they were drinking and I knew they weren't drinking. I got up to their room and found it empty. That is when it hit me, I knew that they wouldn't be back.

Then I woke up.
worldoflucky: (Default)
anxietyI woke up last night, New Year’s Day at 1:44am panicking that I had missed a phone call from my parents. It was a ritual since I moved out in 1990, my mom or dad would call, wish me Happy New Year. It took me a few seconds to realize I hadn’t missed a phone call. With my mom passing in July and my dad earlier in February, there wouldn’t ever be another call. That thought woke me up harder than a glass of cold water hitting me in the face.

As I laid there it dawned on me the troubled past I have had with the phone. Not just cell phone, but even back when we just had landlines during the time of the dinosaurs. Phones have always been an anxious point for me, I wonder if last night might be the crescendo and as we go they will be less anxious as time pass.

The only people I have ever regularly called were my parents. No one else, not even my husband. With everyone else I almost always rely on text. However, my parents didn’t like technology beyond 1988 so the phone was how they talked to me.

There was good parts. I would talk with them daily, sometimes more than once a day. They would tell me about their day, what had been happening. My mom would talk about family or stuff she saw on tv, documentaries, news broadcasts. My dad loved to tell me about a movie he saw and that he thought I would really like. They both would call daily just to tell both the hubby and I that they loved us. I am not joking, when I say every single day.

The bad parts were not as numerous, but they are what caused the anxiety. When I was younger (mid-thirties and earlier) I was anxious because I would get one of two types of bad calls intermixed with the good calls. The call that my dad was in jail, due to some fight he got into when he was drunk.

The other, and even more anxiety driven part was when he would call drunk. He was a severe alcoholic and he would rant, or possibly yell if we had a fight earlier. Mostly it was apologizing for being an alcoholic and for the poverty and anxiety we went through when I was a kid. Occasionally he would call and yell about something. This usually resulted in me hanging up. I knew that my parents were incredibly loving parents, they supported me in everything and went hungry so we could eat. However, they were unable to cope as fully as adults due to the alcoholism, and my dad’s multiple brain injuries and experiences in Vietnam.

Those phone calls would keep me up for days. I have since learned I have PTSD and that is what it would set off. It didn’t change they were good parents for almost all other aspects, but the alcoholism made it so they were in poverty, violence surrounding us, and in various levels of homelessness after I was 10 years old.

After my mid-thirties things changed. My parents stopped drinking as much, and within a few years stopped drinking altogether. However, the bad calls now were health related. My mom had a major heart attack, minor heart attacks, breast cancer, mini-strokes, blood clots and severe health issues with her diabetes. In part, due to lifestyle choices including smoking, drinking and hard drugs when they were younger.

My dad’s health also started tanking in my mid-thirties. He was diagnosed with a terminal lung disease, and since he was poor and on social security by this time there were no other options given. However, he continued on for almost a decade when he originally only had two years to live.

So the bad calls had lessened compared to the drunken calls, but each time I got one I was told one of my parents had gone to the ER, and sometimes included the phrase “they might not make it.” Over the last three years or so these calls had intensified to almost monthly. The hubby and I several times had to miss work or even leave from work depending on when the call came.

This resulted in me never leaving my phone at home. I don’t think I ever left my cell phone home since we got one in 2006. It was always on me, and I always answered the phone from my parents no matter where I was. If I was busy I would excuse myself and go talk to them. Most of the time it was a good call and I would never tell them they interrupted me. I liked the good calls and didn’t want to have them hesitate in calling me. Sometimes however it was a bad call. These are the calls that dictated how I handled my phone. These are the calls that made me unable to let my parents go to voicemail.

Fast forward months after they passed, the hubby noticed one day last week that I hadn’t brought my phone with us at all. I had forgotten it. He was surprised and commented on it. It was strange, I didn’t feel anxious having left it at home. I had never before not been worried about who might call, after all I was with the most important person in my life.

So I laid there this morning. My heart still pounding a bit from waking up and thinking I had missed the call. My grief which still hasn’t been handled was hiding away from me, just lurking at the edges. Even like that though, I know it will get easier. I won’t say better, but definitely easier.

Maybe I don’t need to worry about my phone anymore.
worldoflucky: (Default)
Normally the holidays are a bit stressful from me. Usually my parents would be behind a rock and a hard place cash wise. I would have screaming nephews and nieces who need presents and my siblings are doing whatever they are doing. This doesn't even include the hubby and I's personal holiday celebrations. So stress during the holidays was normal (along with a huge cash hit).
Although the holidays can be great too.
Although the holidays can be great too.

Fast forward to this year and I found that it has been stressful last couple of weeks. My sleep pattern has shifted negatively (common during this time of year), and I know I have been raw emotionally in reacting to people. However it is different then previous years.
I am sure my sleep apnea doesn't help.
I am sure my sleep apnea doesn't help.

Today we went shopping for Thanksgiving for the first time after my parents passing. It's funny I will go for a bit of time without thinking about them now, but the shopping for Thanksgiving specifically brings back the awkward holidays. Fortunately the drinking ended years ago, but there was always a need for us to spend about $100 extra to feed the rest of the family. I didn't begrudge my parents, but the rest of the family was a little harder.

Combine this with the last minute requests from my mom was definitely always a stressful time in the holidays. Don't take it as something I hated, I loved holidays with my parents, even if we constantly threatened we weren't going to do it the next year. Last year we followed through on our threat and did something different. We had catered thanksgiving with just the hubby, myself and both parents and it was fantastic. Even dad said it was probably the best thanksgiving in a decade. Funny enough, it was also cheaper to cater it for four people than to provide just our portion of the overall homemade Thanksgiving dinner.

The hubby and I have always talked about what it would be like when the holidays were ours. It was always a far off thing, and even at the start of this year we assumed at least another four or five years before things happened. Well that wasn't how it progressed at and with both parents gone in six months we went from full family to a hard off. We have no intention on meeting with siblings and extended family (the deaths of both parents, but especially dad really tore some holes in those relationships).

The idea of just staying home, enjoying the hubby's food (and my baking of course) and just watching tv/playing video games was so entrancing. Especially during those years when we did both families and the nightmare of hubby's parents then to my parents.

So we were wandering around Winco shopping and I was struck with a weird sense of anxiety mixed with sadness. For the first time in a month I had stepped into the grocery store and pulled out my phone automatically as if I was going to call my parents and ask them what they needed for thanksgiving. I caught myself and went back to wandering the aisles with the hubby.
Hubby traversing the wilds of WInco.
Hubby traversing the wilds of WInco.

We wandered through the place, picked up a whole lot of groceries for thanksgiving. I wasn't necessarily sad, just more nostalgic that I wasn't picking up stuff for our old trip to Bellingham. We got to the cash register and it was almost $100 cheaper than we normally expect for holidays.

So we came away from Winco and I feel a little bad. I miss my parents and I assume my anxiety will get worse before it gets better. But I am really looking forward to just spending time with the hubby as well.
worldoflucky: (Default)
The sign for my dreams probably creepier.Had a strange dream that I woke up pretty early from. It was a group of us sitting around, I believe myself, Jello, maybe Ted, Torie and maybe Sean. Also there were both of my parents (older).

We were going through a pile of Shadowrun books, mostly trying to figure out weapons and characters. Something about a submarine was involved as well. There were pictures we were trying to refer back to, and I think Jello was asking about a specific picture but we couldn’t find which book.

During this I mentioned some of the books were mine (I believe there was an “ork” book for Shadowrun I had in my hand). My mom mentioned for some reason that that specific book wasn’t mine. I popped it open and was expecting my name to be in the front page but it wasn’t. It had someone else’s name. I was sure it was actually my book, since none of our group had owned the book. I flipped through that book and a couple other books and while I did that, the books came apart at the binding.

Meanwhile my mom started talking about terrorism. Some things seemed right, some things I tried to correct her on. I ended up waking up alarmed and uncomfortable. Nothing bad had happened, no issues, no monsters, no one hurt. Not sure what was up with that dream.
 
 

Profile

worldoflucky: (Default)
World of Lucky

May 2017

S M T W T F S
 1234 56
7 8910111213
14151617181920
212223 24252627
28293031   

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 22nd, 2017 12:39 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios