Apr. 4th, 2017 06:40 am
worldoflucky: (Default)
therapyI have always known that I have issues. I am sure it stems back to my upbringing, genetics and experiences. I grew up in poverty, violence, and a scattering of some pretty incredible experiences. Combine this with my family's mental health history including bipolar, PTSD, depression, anxiety, oppositional defiant disorder, crime, and self medicating.

I have had four different counselors in the last five years I have gone to. None of them have worked out. The first one could only see me ever 12 weeks or so, while she was great, it wasn't enough to do anything for me.

The second counselor was of no use. They really weren't interested in doing much but trying to get me to take meds, which by the way I have a bad reaction to (at least Setraline aka Zoloft). That counselor was done quickly, as was my use of the med.

The third counselor got fixated on my family and stories about my family. She was less interested in helping me and more about some weird desire to vicariously live through my experiences. My sessions made my anxiety and PTSD worse and that just didn't work out in the end.

My most recent counselor I gave a try to was last year. A few months after my father's death I went in and tried again. This time I figured I would just start with the grief counseling part. I went a couple of times, he seemed pretty good but was once again I think intimidated by my life story. I went to training for work for a couple of weeks and when I got back my counselor never responded to any of my calls for getting more appointments. I don't know if maybe he moved on or if he is avoiding me, but I sort of gave up on that.

I am pretty much done with counselors I think. My goal now is to just try and write about my feelings. I have found that actually helps me more with my anxiety then most counselors do. This means you all may be subject to my ramblings. I will try and post a disclaimer or maybe tag it "therapy" when I start talking about how I feel. :)

worldoflucky: (Default)
I was thinking I need to post about my goals in 2017. I have been thinking a lot lately about my life. I have a great life, I am married to the greatest guy ever, 25 years this year! Everyone does their New Year Resolutions, so I guess I will put my goals out. These are just goals; the details will change as we go. They are kept vague so I can adjust and I don’t get frustrated too much, which will end up with me just quitting. Oh and no I am not going be a “better person” that stuff is bullshit. I am who I am, there is nothing wrong with me.

Physical Health: I will work on my health. Not by getting out there and losing a hundred pounds, working out three times a week, etc. We have seen that is hard for me to do that and I will put some attempt instead I want to focus on sleep. This is my single biggest problem. This is what I need to work on. I also am going to work on my current physical ailments and I aim to get all of them looked out in the first six months of the year.

Mental Health: I need to clear out distractions in my mind. The low-level anxiety that is spewed out by our news and social media. Don’t get me wrong, I am a social warrior white knight and that won’t change, but I need to take care of myself. I need to discard toxic people, toxic websites, toxic anything. I also think I am going to meditate more on my butsudan.
My actual butsadon at our old place.
My actual butsudan at our old place.

Time: The deaths of my parents last year were a wake-up call. I have less time in front of me probably then I do behind me. I have a lot of things that are spinning wheels. I don’t have a big plan on how to fix time, I just know I need to do it. Mostly I need time for myself, and this may help my mental health item above.

I have several things I want to explore that include writing, computer generated/3d art, photography, continuing my YouTube channels, roleplaying games, and video games. These items are my focus right now in various levels of pursuit. There are a lot of gaming like things I think I may drop though. As I work this out I will post more about it.


Relationships: Just to be with my wonderful husband as much as possible. Everything else is negotiable.


This isn’t a super in-depth list intentionally, I just want to do generalities, that way I don’t judge myself harshly if I do poorly, or to get a big head if it goes great. I think the one other big thing I want to do is just journal more here, and at the very least.


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