Lately

Feb. 16th, 2017 07:47 pm
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The last couple of weeks have been hard. Last Saturday was the one year anniversary of my father passing away and tomorrow is the anniversary of the funeral. Work has been super busy, deadlines coming up and I have turned down taking days off to keep on track... only to have my boss take the week off.

I finally have felt like I wanted to write more, lately I have been having memories of childhood and early adulthood experiences and I am worried about forgetting it. I am getting older (heading on to 46 soon) and I don't want to lose the memories permanently.

Good news is we turned our book in for the accidentally gay blog. We are waiting to hear back, hopefully it will be soon.

One of the good things that have come out of this is learning how to organize a book. I have always wanted to write some sort of memoir (don't worry I don't think I will ever get money for it, not that big headed yet). My memories come in spurts though. So I think now I am just going to write up memories into this blog. I will also start a page and divide the page up between portions of my life (childhood, high school, early marriage, late marriage, etc). On that page I will track the different posts I do so I can build up an outline of my life.

Once that outline gets complete enough, maybe I will put it together.

I have a few other writing projects as well, along with some photography so we will see what will happen. As for photography itself we have been to a couple of different events, I will post galleries later :)

Well that is it, talk later folks.

Dates

Feb. 3rd, 2017 07:52 pm
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I was looking out the window tonight and was feeling a little maudlin, maybe even a little anxious. I didn’t understand why I was feeling that (well besides just getting back from training for two weeks and still working out the losses of last year). That is when I realized today is February first and it got me thinking about things, especially about dates.

Dates are a funny thing. I don’t mean holidays like Christmas, or dates like a person’s birthday, wedding or some other special occasion. I mean specific days of the month.

For me the first of the month has always been an important day. True, it is important to others so they can pay their rent, or to mark the passing of a new month, but for me, for so much of my life, it meant more than that.

Unless you grew up in absolute poverty like me you wouldn’t really understand. When your family’s entire ability to eat, sleep and have electricity rely on a specific date that the check would come, you developed coping habits. The 1st was something all the poor families around us sort of focused our attention on it. It was something to look forward to, almost some sort to "savior". It was a time when things would be ok for a short while.

I remember growing up and being hungry at the end of the month. Watching my parents not eat for a week at a time and our electricity had been shut off, hoping for the check to come. Things were extreme enough that I had stretch marks on my abdomen because I gained and lost weight so much that lasted for years after I moved out. When Wolsey first dated me he would run his fingers along them, I think they bothered him.

The money showing up would be like a godsend, and for a few days at least you would eat food, the lights would be on and maybe you could go to a store.

It was also a time of anxiety. My parents were heavy alcoholics and the first of the month meant they would drink, which brought its own issues. I was fortunate, they would try to quit for weeks or months at a time, but alcoholism is very difficult and it would return. While I would hope for the first to come quickly, I also dreaded it.

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t had stretch marks for a long time. I have eaten fairly well, even when Wolsey and I were poor. The only time we had a repeat of this was when Wolsey and I were going to school and we would wait for our quarterly student loans, then divide that money up and budget for the next three months.

However, even for the last twenty years the first of the month still had a big meaning. My parents never got better financially on their own, by the time they had sobered up their bodies were too broken to work. We were able to step in and help, but I watched every month as they tried to keep things going with not enough social security and food stamps (no family of two can get by on $850 a month between the two, especially when rent itself was $675).

This meant Wolsey and I would help out at the end of the month. We went out of our way to not ever get paid back. We didn’t mind helping them, and the last thing we would want to do is make it harder for them by having them pay us on the first. But even up until last July, the 1st of the month carried a lot of meaning for my family, and in turn for me.

It has been weird the last six months since Mom passed. We have been able to focus on our own bills and for the first time ever in our relationship we didn’t have to consider my parents and how long until they got their check on the first. I know we are better off financially and worry wise now that we aren’t helping support them, but I still can’t stop from being maudlin occasionally, and even now, the first of the month is still an important date.
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dadToday was a little rough and down. Missing my dad, stress with work, Jello's health (surgery) and my mom. I was thinking about my dad and it struck me today that one of his favorite things to say when I was anxious or panicky was the phrase.

"What will it matter in a hundred years?"

Meaning I shouldn't worry, whatever it was, it wasn't a big deal.

He would then laugh and usually hug me and say he loved me. This happened without fail, even if he was drunk, sick, or busy. I even have used that line when I quit a job when I was younger when the person I told to shove off said I would regret it. Even now saying that helps reduce the anxiety.

However, it isn't quite the same as hearing it from him. I am kind of missing hearing that today.

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