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Over the last couple of weeks my anxiety has been kicked up to an 11 due to Wolsey's surgery, work and just a lot of stuff in my head. Last night I took some meds to go to sleep and ended up having dreams I mostly remember.

The first dream is we were in a house, a real place (sort of in the dream) that I lived at as a child. It mostly consisted of my dad talking to us, giving us shit. We were talking about a girl named Brie Larson who my dad had a fling with in the house (the reality is there was a drunken one night thing in the place I don't think the girl was named Brie though). My dad was being huge and giving us shit about the place.

For some reason I turned around annoyed when he brought up the place and I said "Well, this is the place where you died too" and everything stopped. It wasn't of course, he died in a place 30 years later. He just looked at me and I realized he was gone in the real world. He just gave me a small smile and said he loved me.

I woke up and found it was about 1am. I didn't want to get up and I must have fallen asleep fairly soon after.

The second dream was more intense and longer, but I remember less of it as I am sitting here. I remember it was a hospital and there were many people there. My mom was in the hospital again to get surgery on her heart. In the real world I think I did this with her four times before she had the final problems she died from eventually.

We waited for her to come out and several others that went in for surgery around the same time she did had passed away. there was a lot of stress about her results. After some drama with the nurses and with my sister (which is too close to what happened in real life with my father) I was freaking out. Finally they brought her back out and she was ok. All I could focus on though was how thin her skin felt when I was hugging her. Thats when I woke up.

So there it is, the depressing dreams of the day :).
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Dreams Road SignI am trying to track my dreams again. This morning it was a longer dream, but I laid in bed long enough that a lot of it disappeared.

I dreamt me and the husband were living in a house. My parents were living there as well as my brother. We had been running around doing different things away from the house. I know that involved mostly just me and my hubby, when we got back the place was still cluttered. There were Battletech photocopies everywhere, moving boxes and just a messy floor.

I started cleaning things up and putting them away. For some reason I clearly remember sweeping the floor and picking up the Battletech books and photocopies. I was wondering where my parents were and as I was sweeping I realized why they were gone. I started looking around in some of the side rooms of the house and couldn't find them at all, which is unusual since my parents wouldn't usually leave the house unless they were drinking and I knew they weren't drinking. I got up to their room and found it empty. That is when it hit me, I knew that they wouldn't be back.

Then I woke up.
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I realize it has been awhile since I talked here. I think I am still dealing with my dad passing (and it is just coming out now in dribs and drabs). Even so, I remembered my dream last night, got up and wrote it out. Here it is in it's fully 2am glory (with misspellings and grammar suck galore).


Wolsey and I were traveling down in the south. Not Atlanta or some big city, but for some reason we had to go to out in the backwater deep south. It was a very small town that the dream started in.

It was the two of us, normal every day married us. We were in a small restaurant and it was incredibly warm. It was a little less a sit down restaurant and more like a weird kitchen/dining area.

We were both incredibly nervous about being down here. We were itchy, hot and sweaty and the people made us nervous. I couldn’t tell why we were down here but probably work.

Wolsey had developed a few huge sores that were starting to weep. We were both worried about infection but we were more worried about the people. The food was weird as well. We picked at the food but it wasn’t the food that I know exists in the south, it was a little more strange (maybe bugs, or infested with bugs). A lot of fear of rotten food.

Locals talked to us a little. They set us up a room to be in. At first it was a common room area, where Wolsey and I sat nervously. There was several other people. They weren’t Innsmouth people from the northeast, but some sort of Southern version (not necessarily fish people like the HP Lovecraft story, but something was off).

Wolsey’ was terrified about them realizing were were a married same sex couple. Wolsey’s sores were hurting him, it was hot and sweaty and the people kept staring at us. Some other little stuff happened but as I am sitting here typing I can’t quite remember.

We knew we had to get out of there, we ended up deeper into the little town. We had to avoid a huge puddle (several dozen feet across) of standing water that was infested with mosquitos and other bugs. The building was a shack and we were hiding in the dark front area. Something was wrong and we knew it.

There was an old diseased dog that wouldn’t leave us alone. Wolsey was sure other people were following the dog to find us. While we sat there trying to figure out what to do I pulled up my shirt and my skin had started to have an infection. A lot like the time I had a skin infection at the CPA firm but worse and weepier. Meanwhile Wolsey’s hadn’t spread, but just so deep (the small wounds).

We were interrupted by a local. He was younger, thick set with glasses and greasy hair. He approached us and said to come inside and make it easy on ourselves. Wolsey was terrified of him taking us in (not scared/hiding type, but starting to get aggressive). He made a motion at Wolsey and I was on him.

Killing him took a long time. I was able to get him down but I couldn’t get his head to smash easily against a fallen tree that was outside the shack easily. The other problem is he was a big guy too, so he struggled against me. It was hot, he was big, but eventually he stopped moving.

Wolsey was ok, so I didn’t freak too much after the struggle. We could hear others looking for us though and the dog kept staring, it’s face a mess of infection. I couldn’t get the dog to go away, so I grabbed a tool (I believe it was a very large screwdriver with a bent tip).

I tried to kill the dog quickly. The second I went to kill him, he became mostly invisible. I could feel his head, it was there, but to my vision it was gone. I don’t think it was a power, or that the dog did that itself. It was just that I couldn’t see him. I struggled with an invisible shape. It wouldn’t die, people were getting closer and Wolsey was trying to find a place for us to hide out (I believe he had somehow hidden the human body).

Eventually I could feel the screwdriver sink into the dogs jaw/mouth area, (still no dog visible, just my arm/hand/screwdriver). I had to slowly force it into his head, I could feel the flesh splitting in my hands and the whimpering coming from the dog.

I got desperate, I don't ever want to hurt an animal but we were trapped and they were using him to track us. So I pushed the took deeper into the maw of the invisible dog, pushing it into its throat and then down into its abdomen (as if shoving something in its mouth, and down its digestive system internally). It wouldn’t die and I was desperate I kept shoving the tool in and out of the internal organ area of the dog hoping it would die soon.. Not just because we had to kill it so they couldn’t find us, but also because I didn’t want it to hurt. However, it just kept whimpering.

As the dream ended, the last thing I remember was Wolsey trying to get me to come with him quickly, the invisible dog still moving around (it had never tried to attack me once) with my arms wrapped around it and the screwdriver in its face/throat/abdomen, and people approaching in the hot afternoon in the South.

I HAVE NEVER KILLED AN ANIMAL BEFORE, this was just as horrific for me as it was for you. Obviously an anxiety dream.

I am working on a bunch of different blog things, but I think I am going to be posting here a lot in the future. Be prepared as my scout master said! Until then, hopefully I have better dreams.

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Yep, another post about another dream.I apologize if this isn't written as a good story, its still 2:35am and I just woke up about 10 minutes ago. I wanted to start up my dream journaling again. When I was stressed years ago it helped.

I just dreamt about getting surgery with a focus on peach cobbler with a side of vanilla ice cream.

Evidently there was some sort of kidney surgery I needed. The whole family, including Jello, parents, siblings etc were all waiting for me to go under and get worked on. Evidently it was a huge deal.

We were in and out of the surgical center. I kept leaving the center, even after they marked my surgical site to grab my family and bring them back. I found everyone eating at a local restaurant (similar to a Bob's Burger and Brew place).

Everyone was scattered around the main room and they all were chatting and everyone was upset. I didn't understand why, my dad who had a surgery just a little while ago was fine, I was fine, but everyone, especially Jello was worried about my surgery. I spent a huge time talking with distant friend/family relations that I had when I was a kid.

Eventually everyone had gone back to the surgical center except my parents. Thats when I realized for some strange reason that my dad was dressed in his blue denim button up shirt, baseball hat and had his biker stache in full glory. My dad was finishing up eating some peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream.

Even my mom was finished and I kept telling my dad to hurry up we have to go to surgery and I wanted him there. The whole dream I kept focusing on him finishing up his peach cobbler.

Just as my parents and I were following Jello out (Jello had been riding me the whole time that I needed to go get the procedure done, it made it sound like it was medically necessary and extremely important) a couple that were my parents friends when I was a child came in. They were crying and started talking to my parents.

I can sometimes be impatient (I am sure people who know me in real life are not surprised by that statement). I kept pushing we needed to go. I am not sure what shifted in the dream but all of a sudden it was only my mom standing in front of me. I was annoyed but also worried and looked around.

I saw on the table we were all eating at, an uneaten peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream. The ice cream had been melting for awhile. It felt like someone slapped me in the face as I woke up immediately.

As I was sitting here typing this, I just realized my dad's birthday is coming up (he would have been 68 at the end of March) and that I had promised to bake him some peach cobbler for his birthday (I have recently learned how to do cobblers).

I guess I am not baking peach cobbler for him.

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I woke up this morning (or should I say last night, around midnight on 9/6/15) with an anxiety inducing dream.

I dreamt I was living a huge wooden structure. It had families living in it, but I got the feeling shops used to be open as well. It was an older wooden structure, tattered, slowly collapsing into rot.

I lived in this building, as did my family and I think Jello. My age was hazy, it sort of went between being a high school age kid to being my current age depending on when I looked.

What I do remember was I kept losing teeth. I kept pulling chunks of my teeth out. Funny enough some of them were fillings, but when they got pulled out they were in the shape of miniature tools (one specific memory was the shape of an axe head, sort of like out of minecraft).

I just remember people rushing me down stairs, and evidently to a dentist on the bottom floor. There was lots of teeth pulling by the dentist (in real life I think I have had 8+ teeth pulled out when I was younger, I was poor and couldn't afford dental care).

I got taken down to another set of rooms. I knew that my mom and siblings (young kids at the time) were moving to a different room downstairs.

I knew my dad was upstairs, and so I went up to see him. I found him in a bathtub in an old commercial attic. He was drunk, wearing a leather top hat (sort of like the one Slash used to wear). I noticed the floors of the attic were rotten and bubbling.

I was furious, asked him if he really started drinking again and he said yes.

I woke up super anxious. Naturally anything to do with my teeth and to do with my parents drinking is a huge button. The sucky part was I woke up around midnight. This just started a series of bad dreams (I would call them the level of nightmares) for the rest of the night.

I think I definitely need to take something to help me sleep tonight. At least it is a three day weekend and I have no obligations.
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The sign for my dreams probably creepier.Had a strange dream that I woke up pretty early from. It was a group of us sitting around, I believe myself, Jello, maybe Ted, Torie and maybe Sean. Also there were both of my parents (older).

We were going through a pile of Shadowrun books, mostly trying to figure out weapons and characters. Something about a submarine was involved as well. There were pictures we were trying to refer back to, and I think Jello was asking about a specific picture but we couldn’t find which book.

During this I mentioned some of the books were mine (I believe there was an “ork” book for Shadowrun I had in my hand). My mom mentioned for some reason that that specific book wasn’t mine. I popped it open and was expecting my name to be in the front page but it wasn’t. It had someone else’s name. I was sure it was actually my book, since none of our group had owned the book. I flipped through that book and a couple other books and while I did that, the books came apart at the binding.

Meanwhile my mom started talking about terrorism. Some things seemed right, some things I tried to correct her on. I ended up waking up alarmed and uncomfortable. Nothing bad had happened, no issues, no monsters, no one hurt. Not sure what was up with that dream.
worldoflucky: (Default)
 Had a strange dream that I woke up pretty early from. It was a group of us sitting around, I believe myself, Jello, maybe Ted, Torie and maybe Sean. Also there were both of my parents (older).
We were going through a pile of Shadowrun books, mostly trying to figure out weapons and characters. Something about a submarine was involved as well. There were pictures we were trying to refer back to, and I think Jello was asking about a specific picture but we couldn’t find which book. 
During this I mentioned some of the books were mine (I believe there was an “ork” book for Shadowrun I had in my hand). My mom mentioned for some reason that that specific book wasn’t mine. I popped it open and was expecting my name to be in the front page but it wasn’t. It had someone else’s name. I was sure it was actually my book, since none of our group had owned the book. I flipped through that book and a couple other books and while I did that, the books came apart at the binding.
Meanwhile my mom started talking about terrorism. Some things seemed right, some things I tried to correct her on. I ended up waking up alarmed and uncomfortable. Nothing bad had happened, no issues, no monsters, no one hurt. Not sure what was up with that dream.
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I have a lot of personal anxiety/stress and it comes out as dreams a lot. One of the ways I used to combat it was writing in my blog at my old livejournal account. It helped, and I thought maybe I would continue it again on this blog. The dreams are weird, often inappropriate (violent, sexual, weird themes) so if weirdness or inappropriateness bother you, then I wouldn't read my dream entries (besides I need to write more, it will help me get in the habit of doing this).

Also, I have other stuff coming up :) just as a forewarning/foreshadowing.
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I am not sure why, but last night my sleep sucked I ended up waking up at 4am.

I had a brief dream that consisted of me being in a group of people. My little brother came running up to me (he was 2 or 3 at the time, wearing his light blue footie pajamas). Someone threatened us that if he moved again they would kill him. I realized I was with those people.

He then ran around again, after all he was only two. To prevent the person from harming him I picked him up and set him on his belly and pretended to stomp on him. I didn't actually impact him, I was just trying to fake hurting him so the other person wouldn't. I then picked him up and set him on his back. He wasn't moving, his lips were swollen from being pushed into the floor and I thought he was dead. The thing was I didn't even touch him with my foot anymore than I would have when I played with him, I nudge my cat with my foot harder than I touched my brother in the dream. I woke up terrified I had just killed my two year old brother. 

It sucked as a dream and it sucked I woke up so early. Today is going to doubly suck.
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That was annoying, I just wrote this post and dreamwidth lost it.

I had two dreams last night I do remember. They both came in the form of previews.

The first dream dealt with a shack that had wood shingle siding. It was out in the middle of nowhere and seemed to have a full set of windows and doors. I watched as several ladies ran up to the shack, specifically to the power reader (the device on the side of the building that tracks electricity) and then ran inside. I walked up closer and noticed one of the ladies come running up and put quarters into the reader. There was a quarter slot in the center of the reader, evidently you needed to put quarters in there to turn on the electricity inside.

The dream then switched to inside. It was about the size of a large living room with several washer and dryers. There was also a tv and a couple of couches and chairs, much like an apartment complex's small laundry room. I noticed the laundry machines were being used, but there seemed to be a lot of sex on top of them with the girls an different guys. It was sort of time lapsed and several people coupled (but didn't see anything too in depth). It ended with an older blond woman (forties I believe) playing with herself and watching the "screen".

Honestly, this dream wasn't bad, its the next one that made me forget my earlier dreams and bothered me enough to post it

Warning, second dream may bother some people:

My second dream I remember was far more horrific. It was a shorter "preview" and when it started I got the feeling I had watched the preview before, but that it didn't have the horrible parts. I was caught off guard with the more disturbing parts and couldn't seem to turn away during the preview. The film had that grainy feel of an old home video camera.

It was a path in a forest in the fall. Tree leaves were everywhere, the branches were mostly bare and there was a young boy and girl (8-10 years old). The "preview" zoomed in on the two standing in the middle of the path. They looked scared and the boy had a shovel. Both appeared to be siblings, blond hair, clothing bundled up around them and they huddled close by each other.

That is when both started screaming and running down the path. The dream focused on a large man (probably about my size in comparison to the children). The male ran up to the little girl and pushed her down. She was screaming as he hit her a couple times with a weird farm tool like implement. The hits didn't kill her, but they dug into her neck. He then started pushing the tool up while it was dug into her neck to slowly pull her head off. She made a gurgling scared sound and then there was a strange sucking sound as she twitched. A this point the dream switched to the little boy running and you could hear the death rattle from the little girl in the distance.

I didn't know what to do, I wanted so badly to help and the film looked so real that I was now thinking it was a snuff film.

The male caught up with the boy and he got pushed down. The man smashed him in the face several times, but it wasn't enough to kill the boy. He then took the tool and cut away the flesh around the boy's mouth and across his cheeks. The boy was just crying and screaming as the skin was pulled off and blood started to pool around the boy's face as he bled.

That is when I woke up shaking, tears and so angry I couldn't stop it. It bothered me enough that I had to come out here, sit down and write it out instead of doing my workout.

That sucked.

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Last weekend was great:
  • The wife and I stayed home Saturday and chilled. I ran the wife some solo gaming and she returned the favor.
  • Sunday we had a large game of Shadowrun, it was  8 of us and I had a blast running the game. It involved [personal profile] ducened, [ profile] talkswithwind, [personal profile] ethicalcannibal, [ profile] yog_sothoth, [ profile] dudeling, [ profile] finnegwyn and [ profile] godling. It was great to have my regular players and my old players. Everything went smooth, the group kicked ass and it was a ton of fun.
  • Monday we huddled together (wife and I), played video games and just hung out.

The rest of the week hasn't been so fun. I think I have been sick. Tuesday was ok, I went to work and it was a rough day. I worked out and then came home feeling ill. We did watch some Little House on the Prairie (that was a highlight).

Wednesday I woke up feeling like crap. I called in sick, but it turned out I needed to go in for an interview with the head of the local entity I was auditing. That was a frustrating endeavor and I ended up working about 5-6 hours (mostly at home). I was able to drop off and pick up [personal profile] ethicalcannibal, as she wasn't feeling well. I got home, broke down and gorged on the beans of jelly. I haven't overdone sweets since the beginning of the year, but yesterday I was a bit stressed.

I ran a game for wifey last night, then watched some Hawaii Five-O and went to bed. I woke up at 3am with strange dreams. It was a dream that had me and [personal profile] ethicalcannibal were at some sort of high school student camp out. We were auditing something about the camp out and the students, as we chatted with the students I joked that the only computers available when I was in high school were the old Apple IIe. I woke up and felt super anxious. A full blown anxiety attack hit me like a ton of bricks. So here I am up and feeling anxiety.

I suspect it has to do with being sick and eating so much sugar. I think I am going to go back to not eating crap sugar and I wonder how much that had to do with it. now I am sitting here with 4 hours of sleep, starting to calm down but trying to figure out what I was even anxious about.


Nov. 7th, 2010 05:03 am
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This morning I had a very horrific dream. It started out well enough, I was in some sort of school as a teenager (although with my current memories, and the fact I knew I was married to my wife). My siblings, and wife were all attending. It was one of those hugely large wooden structures with the old school wooden classrooms. There was some sort of lecture we were attending and eventually we had to go back to the dorms (we lived at the school).

Something shifted and I was working for an organization (illegal one) with my dad. I was still going to the school though. Unfortunately one of the teenagers had witnessed something and we had to remove the witness. I tried to talk my dad out of doing it and instead to let me to do it, but he insisted he didn't want me to do this (my dad in the dream was the father of my childhood, younger, definitely more fit). After awhile I agreed and I set it up so he could remove the witness (16/17 year old male).

When that was done we found we couldn't move the body, so we had to leave it in the bathroom. That freaked us both out, but we sort of bunkered down in another part of the school. Thats when we saw my little sister go into the bathroom. Next thing I know we here a small caliber pistol shot from the bathroom. I look over at my father and he had a horrified look that I knew I had as well. My first thought was she shot herself.

We raced up to the bathroom and went into the stalls. We opened the middle stall but she wasn't in it. However, I saw a tiny hand on the floor under the next stall (she would have been 10-13 or so). The most clear thing about that scene was her hand was twitching. I raced to the next stall and stopped for a horrifying second. Then I kicked it open (it was locked) and she was laying there with blood running from the side of her head from a bullet wound. She heard me and moved her head looking at me. She was trying to say something and my last memory of the dream was reaching down, grabbing her tiny little body, picking it up and telling her "it will be ok, I will get you to a hospital".

It was a pretty fucked up dream.....

Oh, and I was even more thrown off when I woke up because we turned our clocks back an hour last night.
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Woke up a few minutes ago from a horrible dream. It was some sort of desert island we were on and we were sort of enjoying ourselves. Myself, the wife, and others I know. It was a little like Lost. We kept finding good food all over the island (which wasn't very big, as in maybe about the size of my apartment (it was bigger, the area we lived and hid in was apartment sized).

Eventually someone came over and they started mocking and then threatening us. I eventually had to stop hiding and I came out. A fight broke out and I beat him very badly, and I couldn't stop myself. I kept kicking on his head until his bottom jaw basically became so shattered you couldn't tell it was his jaw. He kept struggling and laughing and I started doing similar things to the rest of his body (and like most dreams, or even reality, when I hit him, it never felt like I hit him hard enough to damage him even though it was crushing parts of his body). I didn't want to do this at all so I eventually woke myself up throwing myself around on the bed.

Thats when I realized I had thrashed so much I had scrapped off a huge chunk of the scab on my arm. It was actually bleeding some. This wasn't a "picked at" wound, it was me scrapping it across the bed and tearing a huge chunk out of it. I got up, put some peroxide on it then dried it off. Now I just put some antibiotic cream on it and a band aid since I am hoping it wont get reinfected now.

Damn only asleep 90 minutes and I fuck myself up.
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Last night I had a bunch of dreams again. I woke up from one at 3am and then went back to bed and had another one.

The first dream was an anxiety dream. It consisted of my parents outside a farmhouse, a bit drunk, yelling and riding a riding lawn mower. they were older than they currently are, and they were disheveled, upset and it brought back a bit of anxiety from when I was a kid and they would get drunk. I also got worried because they were older and their health wasn't very good. Definitely wasn't a good time

The second dream I only vaguely remember now that I have been up. There had been some sort of accident that I wasn't directly involved with. The whole dream consisted of a group of guys in suits trying to sweet talk me into taking responsibility, trying to get me to sign paperwork and I refused. Not sure why I was dreaming about that, but it didn't bother me at all.

In other news, today is my Friday. We have Dying Light this weekend and I am taking Friday and Monday off. I may go up to my parents tonight for their 40th wedding anniversary, and if the wife or I are too tired to do it, we will do it Monday. Then next week I will work on the ARRA Stimulus Grant for Arlington, then probably take next Friday and possibly Monday off to go to Torin and Joelle's wedding. Taking Friday off so we can go down early if [ profile] finnegwyn can make it and possibly taking Monday off to recover from their wedding on Sunday.

It seems we are just passing all the busy weeks of the summer (this includes next two weekends), I am hoping this means some Shadowrun in the works in August and September (and more so as we go into winter).
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I just woke up from an odd dream. I was sitting on a bus and riding through a town. I recognized a bunch of people and was talking with them. A bunch of them I haven't seen since I was 19. I looked over and an old friend named Jay was sitting beside me. He was drawing something and I watched for a little while when I realized he was scribbling incoherently. He muttered hello to me and handed the undescipherable scribble to another friend named Doug who just sighed and said thank you. It took me a second to realize Jay was homeless and mentally gone and it saddened me. I woke up a little anxious from the dream and drifted back to sleep and ended up on the same bus. However, the bus had a huge hole in it and had no power, it looked like someone had shot it up and I just sat in it in the dark (I am sure this last part was from playing a lot of Battlefield Bad Company 2 yesterday).

Yesterday was pretty damn cool. I sat and got to visit with Torin, Joelle and [ profile] finnegwyn. We went to lunch, came back and they napped on and off (they came directly up from Portland from Torin's bachelor party at 2am, showed up here at 7:00am). [ profile] ethicalcannibal finished up Joelle's wedding dress and that is gone. Unfortunately didn't go to bed until 11:30 or so and awake at 4:30 with anxiety dreams.

Today I get to work until 4-4:30pm or so, come home and work out (if [ profile] ethicalcannibal is up to it), then probably go to bed (maybe watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, this is the last in order I have seen, the rest will be new, hoping maybe the movies end better than the last two books). Maybe some Cthulhu tomorrow if I can get over being so tired.

Now that most of the required filled up weekends are over (not counting DL next weekend or Torin/Joelle's wedding the weekend after) I need to start checking the calendar of everyone, see if we can start the SR game up again.
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Last night was awesome. I got home, hung out with the wife and had a great gyro from a little gyro place by the mall. Then [ profile] ethicalcannibal ran me an awesome solo game (which she is really good at). However, by the end of the night I had a full blown cold. My nose was constantly running and I was sneezing so I got desperate and took some Nyquil. This resulted in a very very strange dream.

The dream lasted all night. I woke up several times and fell right back to sleep with the same dream. All I can remember now is that we were hosting different larps and then different parties. It was all my friends (including [ profile] ashcake, [ profile] talkswithwind, [ profile] finnegwyn, [ profile] ethicalcannibal  and others). The weird part is I knew the whole time that [ profile] talkswithwind was planning on killing some of the guests. He was doing it as an experiment. I was ok with it, I just waited around to make sure the wife wasn't one of the victims.

There was more, and I should have written it down when I woke up, but I showered instead. Damn, I will have to be better on my dream journal. Nyquil makes for some intense dreams and a very hard time to wake up.


May. 10th, 2010 12:58 am
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Woke up from some dreams, about 1.5 hours of sleep or so. I am hoping I can go back to bed in a little bit. I got hit with a pretty good anxiety attack today (maybe its because I didn't run a game :) ). Finally went to bed a little after 23:00 only to wake up to a dream that I was holding a large turtle while wearing jeans, it had gone for my boy parts and I woke up trying to keep him from actually connecting with said boy parts... ya weird dream.

I really have to find out a way to deal with my anxiety... counseling? drugs? Some sort of change in my life?

I really don't have too much to complain about, I have a decent job and even with the debt we are able to get by. My parents are doing really well, my friends seem to be doing really well, I am getting a ton of recommendations from my school professors to go back to get my Masters. I should be happy, but I am just anxious.

Oh, and just for the record, my wife is awesome and I love her, that alone should get rid of all anxiety :) 
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I figured I would write this down quickly and try and go back to bed (even though I have to get up god awful early). I promised myself I would write the dreams down, even if they sucked or didn't make sense. I should note that this is a dream, so I do not hold it against anyone :)

I dreamed that [ profile] ethicalcannibal  and I were running Dying Light. At least I assume it was Dying Light. The camp was different though, there seemed to be a stream that ran through it, and multiple cabins (it wasn't a camp I have seen before). I remember looking around and noting that a lot of people had really cool decorations, including theater lighting type stuff. There were buildings with detailed decorations hanging in windows, I could hear voices in the distance enjoying themselves.

We were sitting in the plot/logistics cabin, checking the occasional person in (and our age group was much wider than it is now). During this time a lot of sex things were happening sort of off camera. Not involving me or [ profile] ethicalcannibal, I just felt others were "being busy" in other rooms. I got uncomfortably propositioned by one of the guys and really wasn't interested. Don't get me wrong, I have seen some guys I consider attractive, and I have scored low on purity tests dealing with guys, but I am definitely geared for women :). [ profile] ethicalcannibal then placed a large set of horns on my head and gave me a large kiss. Something felt a little off about that, but I wasn't sure. It didn't feel like she was dressing me like a beastman.

I was sitting on the couch helping Mr. G (name changed to try and not embarrass anyone who may have been named in real life) when [ profile] ethicalcannibal sat between me and him on the couch, she then leaned over on my lap and grabbed my horns with a smile, she smelled a bit like wine and she nuzzled me and said she was a bit drunk. I chuckled to her that we should go sleep together (she had that semi-horny, buzzed girl voice/movement going). Now, I am not sure but I think in my dream talk I might have said something like Toothy and I (her character) just because of her response. She shook her head, "no.... Sage wants to go sleep with Mr. G ...". I was a bit shocked by that, and stammered a bit. I felt really ashamed (I think this may have been worse due to the fact that Mr. G was sitting right on the other side of her) and she chuckled at me just tugging at my horns. She then leaned over towards the other person about to kiss him. That's when I awoke to a loud beating heart.

I felt like I was kicked in the gut. I wasn't mad at Mr. G, I was embarrassed that she had turned me down and then said she wanted to sleep with someone else within earshot of that other person and the rest of plot camp. I also felt weird that she used a name she no longer uses.

In reality I am not angry at my beautiful wife, she has done nothing wrong, but it bothered me to be cuckolded in my dream (and no I don't know why at the time I thought of the term cuckolded). I then got up to write this down. Oh, and a side note about wearing horns, the term "wearing the horns" means to be cuckolded or to have an adulterous wife (you can also say that nowadays about men). I must have picked up that little bit of subconscious knowledge in the past, unfortunately to have it pushed at me during an anxiety dream.

No my wife is not adulterous, it was just an anxiety dream (this is one of the areas I get anxiety in). Just not sure why I am so anxious. I better get some sleep, I am going to crawl back in with my beautiful wife who loves me. Pardon my writeup, I know I sound stilted and a bit like mojo-jojo.


Apr. 22nd, 2010 01:37 am
worldoflucky: (arabic demon girl)
I just woke up from a dream. I was stuck in the dream for quite awhile. I feel bad because [ profile] ethicalcannibal wasn't feeling good and she was holding me telling me about what was bothering her and I couldn't quite awake from the dream to comfort her like I wanted to.

I was riding in the back of some sort of covered pickup. We were driving up into the mountains, in what I was sure was another country, and I was holding an old gnarled man, about the size of an 8 or 10 year old. He was twisted in pain, unable to move well although he could talk clearly, although thinking about it, I don't remember him talking directly, it was almost as if I could hear him in my head. The sun was out mostly, but we were shaded in the pickup, and it wasn't too warm.

I also realize now that he was actually more like a mummy then someone still living, although he still moved and talked. I am not sure if he was Caucasian, or not, but now I get the impression he wasn't. He was a quiet person, obviously gentle, or at least now he was (who knows what he was like in his youth). He kept thanking me for helping him up the mountain. He was supposed to die on the mountain, it was some sort of end of life rite. He told me how he looked forward to it and that it was the right time for it.

I asked him if he was scared at all. If he had any doubts, or if he was in any pain. He said he wasn't in any pain, at least not a pain he couldn't deal with. He also said he wasn't scared. That he was looking forward to this. This troubled me, not in a bad way for him, but I have my doubts about whats waiting for us when this is over. I asked him a little bit more (the exact question now eludes me), and he replied I was welcome to come visit him. He then must have realized I was confused and told me to come visit him, or he could come visit me after I had passed on. I was pleased that he offered, but my anxiety got worse. The last thing I remember was him reaching up and patting me gently (looking like a mummy, he never scared me like a horror movie once) and said "its alright, its time, everyone must do this" and that he would see me again.

Thats when I woke up, feeling anxious about the dream, and feeling bad I wasn't able to fully wake up for my wife.

More Dreams

Apr. 4th, 2010 06:40 am
worldoflucky: (tired)
I woke up at 4:15am this morning. I dreamt I was in SARS grocery in Oak Harbor. We knew we were being bombed and a lot of us had automatic weapons. Our job was to withstand the attack and shoot at the planes if possible. We were inside the store and could hear the planes coming. We could hear the machine gun fire and the whine of bombs falling. I went over to the furthest corner. I figured the corner would withstand the bombs the most, as it had the most supporting structures. I do realize that you can't shoot at planes from inside of a building, I guess it was just a dream thing.

I woke up with a little anxiety. Now I feel a bit better.


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