worldoflucky: (Default)
Over the last couple of weeks my anxiety has been kicked up to an 11 due to Wolsey's surgery, work and just a lot of stuff in my head. Last night I took some meds to go to sleep and ended up having dreams I mostly remember.

The first dream is we were in a house, a real place (sort of in the dream) that I lived at as a child. It mostly consisted of my dad talking to us, giving us shit. We were talking about a girl named Brie Larson who my dad had a fling with in the house (the reality is there was a drunken one night thing in the place I don't think the girl was named Brie though). My dad was being huge and giving us shit about the place.

For some reason I turned around annoyed when he brought up the place and I said "Well, this is the place where you died too" and everything stopped. It wasn't of course, he died in a place 30 years later. He just looked at me and I realized he was gone in the real world. He just gave me a small smile and said he loved me.

I woke up and found it was about 1am. I didn't want to get up and I must have fallen asleep fairly soon after.

The second dream was more intense and longer, but I remember less of it as I am sitting here. I remember it was a hospital and there were many people there. My mom was in the hospital again to get surgery on her heart. In the real world I think I did this with her four times before she had the final problems she died from eventually.

We waited for her to come out and several others that went in for surgery around the same time she did had passed away. there was a lot of stress about her results. After some drama with the nurses and with my sister (which is too close to what happened in real life with my father) I was freaking out. Finally they brought her back out and she was ok. All I could focus on though was how thin her skin felt when I was hugging her. Thats when I woke up.

So there it is, the depressing dreams of the day :).

Last Words

Mar. 7th, 2016 07:08 pm
worldoflucky: (Default)
It has been a rough month since my dad passed. The funeral, the family issues, the constant driving to Bellingham. However, I am a very very lucky person, I got to speak to my dad as he was passing away.

There are no real lost words or expressions of love. We have always told each other that we love each other. While my childhood had a lot of problems with poverty and alcoholism, there was never a lack of love. That includes actually saying it and showing it, not just an “unacknowledged” understanding.

Jello and I were fortunate though. Jello was able to talk with him on the phone before my dad lost the ability to talk that way. I know Jello wished he could have made it up to see dad, but the surgery results wouldn’t let him travel that far.

I was fortunate as well. While I was up visiting my mom as she and the rest of my family watched over him in the last week. I went into the bedroom, hugged him, kissed his forehead and told him that Jello and I loved him.

As if from a zombie movie, his eyes shot open and focused on me. There was a bit of shock on my part, he had been unconscious all day, hadn’t really even responded to me earlier. He grabbed my head and lifted himself up to kiss me, hug me and tell me how much he loved Jello and myself and how proud he was of us.

We talked for a few minutes more, but he was so tired and exerting so much effort that I just laid beside him for a minute and told him it was ok. I was there. He went back to sleep.

That was the last time I talked to him. I know he woke up and talked a bit with the rest of my family, and when I came up the day before he passed I sat with him for hours holding his hand as he slept. He would respond if I told him I loved him by squeezing my hand. I probably could have pushed him to come up again, but he was finally resting, no pain, no trouble breathing and he was calm. So I just held his hand.
worldoflucky: (Default)

dadToday was a little rough and down. Missing my dad, stress with work, Jello's health (surgery) and my mom. I was thinking about my dad and it struck me today that one of his favorite things to say when I was anxious or panicky was the phrase.

"What will it matter in a hundred years?"

Meaning I shouldn't worry, whatever it was, it wasn't a big deal.

He would then laugh and usually hug me and say he loved me. This happened without fail, even if he was drunk, sick, or busy. I even have used that line when I quit a job when I was younger when the person I told to shove off said I would regret it. Even now saying that helps reduce the anxiety.

However, it isn't quite the same as hearing it from him. I am kind of missing hearing that today.

worldoflucky: (Default)
Yep, another post about another dream.I apologize if this isn't written as a good story, its still 2:35am and I just woke up about 10 minutes ago. I wanted to start up my dream journaling again. When I was stressed years ago it helped.

I just dreamt about getting surgery with a focus on peach cobbler with a side of vanilla ice cream.

Evidently there was some sort of kidney surgery I needed. The whole family, including Jello, parents, siblings etc were all waiting for me to go under and get worked on. Evidently it was a huge deal.

We were in and out of the surgical center. I kept leaving the center, even after they marked my surgical site to grab my family and bring them back. I found everyone eating at a local restaurant (similar to a Bob's Burger and Brew place).

Everyone was scattered around the main room and they all were chatting and everyone was upset. I didn't understand why, my dad who had a surgery just a little while ago was fine, I was fine, but everyone, especially Jello was worried about my surgery. I spent a huge time talking with distant friend/family relations that I had when I was a kid.

Eventually everyone had gone back to the surgical center except my parents. Thats when I realized for some strange reason that my dad was dressed in his blue denim button up shirt, baseball hat and had his biker stache in full glory. My dad was finishing up eating some peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream.

Even my mom was finished and I kept telling my dad to hurry up we have to go to surgery and I wanted him there. The whole dream I kept focusing on him finishing up his peach cobbler.

Just as my parents and I were following Jello out (Jello had been riding me the whole time that I needed to go get the procedure done, it made it sound like it was medically necessary and extremely important) a couple that were my parents friends when I was a child came in. They were crying and started talking to my parents.

I can sometimes be impatient (I am sure people who know me in real life are not surprised by that statement). I kept pushing we needed to go. I am not sure what shifted in the dream but all of a sudden it was only my mom standing in front of me. I was annoyed but also worried and looked around.

I saw on the table we were all eating at, an uneaten peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream. The ice cream had been melting for awhile. It felt like someone slapped me in the face as I woke up immediately.

As I was sitting here typing this, I just realized my dad's birthday is coming up (he would have been 68 at the end of March) and that I had promised to bake him some peach cobbler for his birthday (I have recently learned how to do cobblers).

I guess I am not baking peach cobbler for him.

Fuck...
worldoflucky: (Default)
image
It's been a rough week, but made it through because of him and mom.
#luckyslife
worldoflucky: (Default)

The saga of John Bradley ended tonight (3/24/1948 - 2/11/2016)
This is a favorite pic of me and him in 1972.
#alwaysaherotome 
#iloveyoudad 
worldoflucky: (Default)
 Hi Folks, I need some help. My father’s imminent passing has us cornered. He doesn’t have any funeral insurance (or life insurance at all) and Social Security only provides $255. We are trying to swing for payment of his funeral (plot, etc) plus the plot for my mom so when she passes she can be buried next to him.

If we could get any help, we’d be very appreciative.

I want everyone to understand I absolutely HATE doing this. There is a reason I avoided help for Wolsey’s surgery (we were able to harangue the money in the end). However, as is the norm, my dad’s timing sucks and this is happening just as we paid out for Wolsey’s surgery last week.

1. By no means do I expect anyone to help. This is just in case someone does want to help. You all have been great and I already feel crappy even asking.

2. Do not feel bad if you don’t help. There isn’t any reason for you to feel bad. Sometimes shit happens, and we roll with it.

3. Some people don’t like gofundme (and I don’t blame them). If you want to still help I am ok with taking anything in person or by mail/paypal/whatever.

4. This is the most important part. Just having you folks be so warm helps a lot. This will get figured out, no matter what, I will make it work.

I want to thank everyone for how supportive they have been. That alone leaves me and my family walking away on top.

Thank you for everything.

If you can help, please see our GoFundMe (https://www.gofundme.com/9jnpq2xj)page, or contact me directly.

Oh, and I am intentionally not posting this on Accidentally Gay. It isn’t fair for me to ask for help on a site specifically for a different purpose (thank you to those who suggest, I just don’t think it is fair of me).

worldoflucky: (Default)
Saw my dad yesterday, he is in the final stages of hospice, but he is at home in bed and comfortable. He will pass anytime now, but we got to say our goodbyes, hug, and he talked back to me. I probably will post specifically about that later, it was important, but don't have the words. I am going back up there regularly, and especially after he passes I will need to help make arrangements and help my mother.

I was trying to come up with a simple phrase to describe him and who he was. I thought about all the things he did in the Vietnam War, how he grew up a bastard in Oso and was the black sheep of the family. His historic run ins with the law, his running with a motorcycle MC or Miami Vice like incidents. How he loved his kids and wife and how he had trouble with alcohol.

However, while I was thinking about that yesterday, I think the one thing to talk about to describe him was that everyone in the neighborhood loved him.

We had several neighbors from upstairs apartments, across the street or who called across the state who wanted to talk to him and say goodbye. They were crying, they were going to miss him.

I think that is the best way to describe him. Not the badass tv action series that his life would be (probably at least 4 seasons of exciting stories), rather it was the fact that everyone loved him, and are going to miss him. I think the tears on the neighbor's face asking when he could come visit is probably the best testament to him.

I am not good with words right now, once he passes I probably will write a lot about him and my mom. Until then you folks get weird fragments from my consciousness.
worldoflucky: (arabic demon girl)
I had a strange dream this morning, woke up from it at 4:30am. I dreamed that it was the first day of class and the teacher handed us a test. It was hard to read the test, for some reason I didn't understand the questions, or even what subject it was for. After an hour of dinking around with it I thought I had finished it. Just as I turned it in, I realized that it wasn't the actual test, it was the test booklet and I needed to fill out the scan tron (but there were no multiple choice or anything). The class was letting out and I had to refill it out hurriedly still not able to read the questions. To top it off when I did it on the scan tron, the lights in the room were shut off and I had to use a tiny flashlight that didn't work well.

It was a strange dream. Still not sure why I dreamt that, but it kind of sucked.

Other than that, life is going fairly well. I have finished an outstanding audit that should have been done by beginning of last September (they finally got their info to me) and I am close to being done with the audit after that, that should have been done in October. Of course I had to pull off Skykomish due to problems there, and I probably wont get to finish that until July or August (or later). I have 7 more workdays at the City of Snohomish, then its time to start the 3 month County audit.

Today I am going up to my parents. We are going to pay for and register for a time for my dad to take his driving test. Don't get me wrong, he has been driving steadily, but hasn't had a valid license for over 20 years due to warrants (a side effect of me growing up with bikers, warrants were fairly common). He is completely legal now and has to take the test to get it back. He will drive my car around (our car is the only completely legal car in the family, everyone else has car problems or no insurance so they are unable to pass the State Trooper's inspection).

Once we have a date settled, I will go back later this week for him to get a little more familiar with the car and to take the test. When he passes, we are going to give him our truck and if need be I will help him get insurance. Unfortunately their health is not good enough to allow them to ride buses. My dad's back is so messed up, as is his breathing, that he can't walk the three blocks to get to the bus stop, let alone ride one.

When I get home today I will finish up my notes for the game tomorrow. Perhaps [livejournal.com profile] ethicalcannibal will feel like running the solo game for me as well. If not, no worries I will just hang out with her. That is my favorite thing to do is just be around her.

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