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anxietyI woke up last night, New Year’s Day at 1:44am panicking that I had missed a phone call from my parents. It was a ritual since I moved out in 1990, my mom or dad would call, wish me Happy New Year. It took me a few seconds to realize I hadn’t missed a phone call. With my mom passing in July and my dad earlier in February, there wouldn’t ever be another call. That thought woke me up harder than a glass of cold water hitting me in the face.

As I laid there it dawned on me the troubled past I have had with the phone. Not just cell phone, but even back when we just had landlines during the time of the dinosaurs. Phones have always been an anxious point for me, I wonder if last night might be the crescendo and as we go they will be less anxious as time pass.

The only people I have ever regularly called were my parents. No one else, not even my husband. With everyone else I almost always rely on text. However, my parents didn’t like technology beyond 1988 so the phone was how they talked to me.

There was good parts. I would talk with them daily, sometimes more than once a day. They would tell me about their day, what had been happening. My mom would talk about family or stuff she saw on tv, documentaries, news broadcasts. My dad loved to tell me about a movie he saw and that he thought I would really like. They both would call daily just to tell both the hubby and I that they loved us. I am not joking, when I say every single day.

The bad parts were not as numerous, but they are what caused the anxiety. When I was younger (mid-thirties and earlier) I was anxious because I would get one of two types of bad calls intermixed with the good calls. The call that my dad was in jail, due to some fight he got into when he was drunk.

The other, and even more anxiety driven part was when he would call drunk. He was a severe alcoholic and he would rant, or possibly yell if we had a fight earlier. Mostly it was apologizing for being an alcoholic and for the poverty and anxiety we went through when I was a kid. Occasionally he would call and yell about something. This usually resulted in me hanging up. I knew that my parents were incredibly loving parents, they supported me in everything and went hungry so we could eat. However, they were unable to cope as fully as adults due to the alcoholism, and my dad’s multiple brain injuries and experiences in Vietnam.

Those phone calls would keep me up for days. I have since learned I have PTSD and that is what it would set off. It didn’t change they were good parents for almost all other aspects, but the alcoholism made it so they were in poverty, violence surrounding us, and in various levels of homelessness after I was 10 years old.

After my mid-thirties things changed. My parents stopped drinking as much, and within a few years stopped drinking altogether. However, the bad calls now were health related. My mom had a major heart attack, minor heart attacks, breast cancer, mini-strokes, blood clots and severe health issues with her diabetes. In part, due to lifestyle choices including smoking, drinking and hard drugs when they were younger.

My dad’s health also started tanking in my mid-thirties. He was diagnosed with a terminal lung disease, and since he was poor and on social security by this time there were no other options given. However, he continued on for almost a decade when he originally only had two years to live.

So the bad calls had lessened compared to the drunken calls, but each time I got one I was told one of my parents had gone to the ER, and sometimes included the phrase “they might not make it.” Over the last three years or so these calls had intensified to almost monthly. The hubby and I several times had to miss work or even leave from work depending on when the call came.

This resulted in me never leaving my phone at home. I don’t think I ever left my cell phone home since we got one in 2006. It was always on me, and I always answered the phone from my parents no matter where I was. If I was busy I would excuse myself and go talk to them. Most of the time it was a good call and I would never tell them they interrupted me. I liked the good calls and didn’t want to have them hesitate in calling me. Sometimes however it was a bad call. These are the calls that dictated how I handled my phone. These are the calls that made me unable to let my parents go to voicemail.

Fast forward months after they passed, the hubby noticed one day last week that I hadn’t brought my phone with us at all. I had forgotten it. He was surprised and commented on it. It was strange, I didn’t feel anxious having left it at home. I had never before not been worried about who might call, after all I was with the most important person in my life.

So I laid there this morning. My heart still pounding a bit from waking up and thinking I had missed the call. My grief which still hasn’t been handled was hiding away from me, just lurking at the edges. Even like that though, I know it will get easier. I won’t say better, but definitely easier.

Maybe I don’t need to worry about my phone anymore.

Last Words

Mar. 7th, 2016 07:08 pm
worldoflucky: (Default)
It has been a rough month since my dad passed. The funeral, the family issues, the constant driving to Bellingham. However, I am a very very lucky person, I got to speak to my dad as he was passing away.

There are no real lost words or expressions of love. We have always told each other that we love each other. While my childhood had a lot of problems with poverty and alcoholism, there was never a lack of love. That includes actually saying it and showing it, not just an “unacknowledged” understanding.

Jello and I were fortunate though. Jello was able to talk with him on the phone before my dad lost the ability to talk that way. I know Jello wished he could have made it up to see dad, but the surgery results wouldn’t let him travel that far.

I was fortunate as well. While I was up visiting my mom as she and the rest of my family watched over him in the last week. I went into the bedroom, hugged him, kissed his forehead and told him that Jello and I loved him.

As if from a zombie movie, his eyes shot open and focused on me. There was a bit of shock on my part, he had been unconscious all day, hadn’t really even responded to me earlier. He grabbed my head and lifted himself up to kiss me, hug me and tell me how much he loved Jello and myself and how proud he was of us.

We talked for a few minutes more, but he was so tired and exerting so much effort that I just laid beside him for a minute and told him it was ok. I was there. He went back to sleep.

That was the last time I talked to him. I know he woke up and talked a bit with the rest of my family, and when I came up the day before he passed I sat with him for hours holding his hand as he slept. He would respond if I told him I loved him by squeezing my hand. I probably could have pushed him to come up again, but he was finally resting, no pain, no trouble breathing and he was calm. So I just held his hand.
worldoflucky: (Default)
Yep, another post about another dream.I apologize if this isn't written as a good story, its still 2:35am and I just woke up about 10 minutes ago. I wanted to start up my dream journaling again. When I was stressed years ago it helped.

I just dreamt about getting surgery with a focus on peach cobbler with a side of vanilla ice cream.

Evidently there was some sort of kidney surgery I needed. The whole family, including Jello, parents, siblings etc were all waiting for me to go under and get worked on. Evidently it was a huge deal.

We were in and out of the surgical center. I kept leaving the center, even after they marked my surgical site to grab my family and bring them back. I found everyone eating at a local restaurant (similar to a Bob's Burger and Brew place).

Everyone was scattered around the main room and they all were chatting and everyone was upset. I didn't understand why, my dad who had a surgery just a little while ago was fine, I was fine, but everyone, especially Jello was worried about my surgery. I spent a huge time talking with distant friend/family relations that I had when I was a kid.

Eventually everyone had gone back to the surgical center except my parents. Thats when I realized for some strange reason that my dad was dressed in his blue denim button up shirt, baseball hat and had his biker stache in full glory. My dad was finishing up eating some peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream.

Even my mom was finished and I kept telling my dad to hurry up we have to go to surgery and I wanted him there. The whole dream I kept focusing on him finishing up his peach cobbler.

Just as my parents and I were following Jello out (Jello had been riding me the whole time that I needed to go get the procedure done, it made it sound like it was medically necessary and extremely important) a couple that were my parents friends when I was a child came in. They were crying and started talking to my parents.

I can sometimes be impatient (I am sure people who know me in real life are not surprised by that statement). I kept pushing we needed to go. I am not sure what shifted in the dream but all of a sudden it was only my mom standing in front of me. I was annoyed but also worried and looked around.

I saw on the table we were all eating at, an uneaten peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream. The ice cream had been melting for awhile. It felt like someone slapped me in the face as I woke up immediately.

As I was sitting here typing this, I just realized my dad's birthday is coming up (he would have been 68 at the end of March) and that I had promised to bake him some peach cobbler for his birthday (I have recently learned how to do cobblers).

I guess I am not baking peach cobbler for him.

worldoflucky: (Default)
It's been a rough week, but made it through because of him and mom.
worldoflucky: (Default)
Lovely husband's magic egg!I don't know how to thank everyone. The response has been overwhelming. I know that the GoFundMe page posted an update, but I will post it separately as well just to thank all of you!

We got up this morning and were overwhelmed with the help. None of us really know what to say except thank you. Anything helps, and just the outpouring of support has made this easier. I am going up today to visit with my father and to take my mother to Bayview Cemetery to look at plots. I will come back and post what we looked at and what we got.

On a humorous note concerning my father (is there really anything humorous right now, I guess only a Bradley finds it funny). My sister was in the apartment watching over him.

She was in the living room and he was in the bedroom and she heard a thump. She was worried he fell out of bed and went into the bedroom to find him standing there (he has been bed ridden since Friday before (4 days before). She shrieked and evidently he burst out laughing, thinking it was the funniest thing he saw that she screamed and was worried about a zombie for a few seconds. He spent the rest of the day in the living room, eating a couple pieces of candy corn and having a cup of coffee.

It doesn't change what is happening, and I don't know if he is conscious this morning, but in my dad's typical style he never does anything the easy way. Even as he is dying, he is still doing it on his own terms.

When I pull any funds out I will share exactly where they went. I believe I owe everyone here so much, the least I can do is be exact on where the generosity I am seeing here goes.

I don't know if I could ever explain exactly how overwhelmed (in a positive way) that we feel with the love exhibited by friends, family and future friends/family (no one who helps is truly a stranger).

Thank you.
worldoflucky: (Default)
Saw my dad yesterday, he is in the final stages of hospice, but he is at home in bed and comfortable. He will pass anytime now, but we got to say our goodbyes, hug, and he talked back to me. I probably will post specifically about that later, it was important, but don't have the words. I am going back up there regularly, and especially after he passes I will need to help make arrangements and help my mother.

I was trying to come up with a simple phrase to describe him and who he was. I thought about all the things he did in the Vietnam War, how he grew up a bastard in Oso and was the black sheep of the family. His historic run ins with the law, his running with a motorcycle MC or Miami Vice like incidents. How he loved his kids and wife and how he had trouble with alcohol.

However, while I was thinking about that yesterday, I think the one thing to talk about to describe him was that everyone in the neighborhood loved him.

We had several neighbors from upstairs apartments, across the street or who called across the state who wanted to talk to him and say goodbye. They were crying, they were going to miss him.

I think that is the best way to describe him. Not the badass tv action series that his life would be (probably at least 4 seasons of exciting stories), rather it was the fact that everyone loved him, and are going to miss him. I think the tears on the neighbor's face asking when he could come visit is probably the best testament to him.

I am not good with words right now, once he passes I probably will write a lot about him and my mom. Until then you folks get weird fragments from my consciousness.
worldoflucky: (Default)
 Oh dear god I am going to get bombarded with "Never forget" posts. I hate these posts for one reason, certain groups bang the drums to this shouting how we are in danger and the evil of Muslims. That we should reduce our freedoms and invade other countries in the name of security.
Don't get me wrong, it was horrible that approximately 3,000 people died, but our stupid "never forget" backlash got us into a war in Iraq, lost our freedoms and soared the debt and deficit (notice I did agree with Afghanistan but our subsequent halting to attack Iraq doomed the good in Afghanistan).
We now live in an age of fear, not because of terrorism but because we choose fear and fake security over the ideals of free citizens. The terrorists won, not because they enslaved us, but because we allowed our fear to enslave ourselves.
Let's put this into perspective. 3,000 poor souls died that day. However approximately 10,000 - 18,000 people die every year from drunk driving. Since the 9/11 attack if we are super conservative with the numbers,about 150,000 people have died from drunk driving. That is 50 times more than died on 9/11 (and that is HUGELY underestimating alcohol related deaths).
I am not saying it isn't sad, but we need to focus on the here and now, not the fear mongering that the term "never forget" really means.
Oh dear god I am going to get bombarded with "Never forget" posts. I hate these posts for one reason, certain groups bang the drums to this shouting how we are in danger and the evil of Muslims. That we should reduce our freedoms and invade other countries in the name of security.
Don't get me wrong, it was horrible that approximately 3,000 people died, but our stupid "never forget" backlash got us into a war in Iraq, lost our freedoms and soared the debt and deficit (notice I did agree with Afghanistan but our subsequent halting to attack Iraq doomed the good in Afghanistan).
We now live in an age of fear, not because of terrorism but because we choose fear and fake security over the ideals of free citizens. The terrorists won, not because they enslaved us, but because we allowed our fear to enslave ourselves.
Let's put this into perspective. 3,000 poor souls died that day. However approximately 10,000 - 18,000 people die every year from drunk driving. Since the 9/11 attack if we are super conservative with the numbers,about 150,000 people have died from drunk driving. That is 50 times more than died on 9/11 (and that is HUGELY underestimating alcohol related deaths).
I am not saying it isn't sad, but we need to focus on the here and now, not the fear mongering that the term "never forget" really means.
worldoflucky: (Default)
I woke up this morning (or should I say last night, around midnight on 9/6/15) with an anxiety inducing dream.

I dreamt I was living a huge wooden structure. It had families living in it, but I got the feeling shops used to be open as well. It was an older wooden structure, tattered, slowly collapsing into rot.

I lived in this building, as did my family and I think Jello. My age was hazy, it sort of went between being a high school age kid to being my current age depending on when I looked.

What I do remember was I kept losing teeth. I kept pulling chunks of my teeth out. Funny enough some of them were fillings, but when they got pulled out they were in the shape of miniature tools (one specific memory was the shape of an axe head, sort of like out of minecraft).

I just remember people rushing me down stairs, and evidently to a dentist on the bottom floor. There was lots of teeth pulling by the dentist (in real life I think I have had 8+ teeth pulled out when I was younger, I was poor and couldn't afford dental care).

I got taken down to another set of rooms. I knew that my mom and siblings (young kids at the time) were moving to a different room downstairs.

I knew my dad was upstairs, and so I went up to see him. I found him in a bathtub in an old commercial attic. He was drunk, wearing a leather top hat (sort of like the one Slash used to wear). I noticed the floors of the attic were rotten and bubbling.

I was furious, asked him if he really started drinking again and he said yes.

I woke up super anxious. Naturally anything to do with my teeth and to do with my parents drinking is a huge button. The sucky part was I woke up around midnight. This just started a series of bad dreams (I would call them the level of nightmares) for the rest of the night.

I think I definitely need to take something to help me sleep tonight. At least it is a three day weekend and I have no obligations.
worldoflucky: (Default)
The sign for my dreams probably creepier.Had a strange dream that I woke up pretty early from. It was a group of us sitting around, I believe myself, Jello, maybe Ted, Torie and maybe Sean. Also there were both of my parents (older).

We were going through a pile of Shadowrun books, mostly trying to figure out weapons and characters. Something about a submarine was involved as well. There were pictures we were trying to refer back to, and I think Jello was asking about a specific picture but we couldn’t find which book.

During this I mentioned some of the books were mine (I believe there was an “ork” book for Shadowrun I had in my hand). My mom mentioned for some reason that that specific book wasn’t mine. I popped it open and was expecting my name to be in the front page but it wasn’t. It had someone else’s name. I was sure it was actually my book, since none of our group had owned the book. I flipped through that book and a couple other books and while I did that, the books came apart at the binding.

Meanwhile my mom started talking about terrorism. Some things seemed right, some things I tried to correct her on. I ended up waking up alarmed and uncomfortable. Nothing bad had happened, no issues, no monsters, no one hurt. Not sure what was up with that dream.
worldoflucky: (Default)
Been working since about 5am. The only thing that stopped my anxiety was reading the book that [personal profile] ethicalcannibal made me a few years ago. She compiled a book full of small things she drew and made. Its filled with how much she loves me and how important I am to her.

Other than her holding me, sometimes that's the only thing that makes the roar of everything slow down and makes it so I can breathe. I am pretty sure no matter how much I learn with the new therapist (never done that before, will post about that later), she is the only thing that makes the world stop spinning too fast and makes some of the thoughts stop.

I love you [personal profile] ethicalcannibal more than anything else in the world. You would only have to ask (or even just nod) and I would burn the world for you.

Oh, I am going to cancel the late afternoon meeting, I  think I  am going to come home early.

worldoflucky: (Default)
Last weekend was great:
  • The wife and I stayed home Saturday and chilled. I ran the wife some solo gaming and she returned the favor.
  • Sunday we had a large game of Shadowrun, it was  8 of us and I had a blast running the game. It involved [personal profile] ducened, [ profile] talkswithwind, [personal profile] ethicalcannibal, [ profile] yog_sothoth, [ profile] dudeling, [ profile] finnegwyn and [ profile] godling. It was great to have my regular players and my old players. Everything went smooth, the group kicked ass and it was a ton of fun.
  • Monday we huddled together (wife and I), played video games and just hung out.

The rest of the week hasn't been so fun. I think I have been sick. Tuesday was ok, I went to work and it was a rough day. I worked out and then came home feeling ill. We did watch some Little House on the Prairie (that was a highlight).

Wednesday I woke up feeling like crap. I called in sick, but it turned out I needed to go in for an interview with the head of the local entity I was auditing. That was a frustrating endeavor and I ended up working about 5-6 hours (mostly at home). I was able to drop off and pick up [personal profile] ethicalcannibal, as she wasn't feeling well. I got home, broke down and gorged on the beans of jelly. I haven't overdone sweets since the beginning of the year, but yesterday I was a bit stressed.

I ran a game for wifey last night, then watched some Hawaii Five-O and went to bed. I woke up at 3am with strange dreams. It was a dream that had me and [personal profile] ethicalcannibal were at some sort of high school student camp out. We were auditing something about the camp out and the students, as we chatted with the students I joked that the only computers available when I was in high school were the old Apple IIe. I woke up and felt super anxious. A full blown anxiety attack hit me like a ton of bricks. So here I am up and feeling anxiety.

I suspect it has to do with being sick and eating so much sugar. I think I am going to go back to not eating crap sugar and I wonder how much that had to do with it. now I am sitting here with 4 hours of sleep, starting to calm down but trying to figure out what I was even anxious about.


May. 25th, 2010 02:29 am
worldoflucky: (Default)
I just had a few weird dreams, nothing to horrible (maybe a tiny bit melancholy)  and Orpheus the cat raced it to meow heavily and woke me up. Now I am anxious. WTF was that about? I realize I am probably a little worried for [ profile] ethicalcannibal since she is feverish at the moment, but nothing horrible is happening so I shouldn't be hit with an anxiety attack.

Now I am sitting in the dark typing with the cat at my feet sitting like a Lion at a library guarding me at 2:30 in the morning. a little over four hours sleep is not enough damn it. Maybe I can get tired in next few minutes and go back to sleep for another three hours.

I bet I went to bed too early, sometimes that kills me. I also am pretty sure I need to do more physical activities (feels like I am saying the same thing every time, I need to quit being lazy).


May. 10th, 2010 12:58 am
worldoflucky: (Default)
Woke up from some dreams, about 1.5 hours of sleep or so. I am hoping I can go back to bed in a little bit. I got hit with a pretty good anxiety attack today (maybe its because I didn't run a game :) ). Finally went to bed a little after 23:00 only to wake up to a dream that I was holding a large turtle while wearing jeans, it had gone for my boy parts and I woke up trying to keep him from actually connecting with said boy parts... ya weird dream.

I really have to find out a way to deal with my anxiety... counseling? drugs? Some sort of change in my life?

I really don't have too much to complain about, I have a decent job and even with the debt we are able to get by. My parents are doing really well, my friends seem to be doing really well, I am getting a ton of recommendations from my school professors to go back to get my Masters. I should be happy, but I am just anxious.

Oh, and just for the record, my wife is awesome and I love her, that alone should get rid of all anxiety :) 
worldoflucky: (Default)
I am back up and showered. I laid in bed for the time I have been away, I think I drifted in and out of sleep. I finally got up at 4:30, showered and sadly discovered that [ profile] ethicalcannibal 's bubble eyed fish had passed away. The tank looks good, the other fish looks good so I think it was just a fish issue, and not a tank issue. We will have to get the wife a new fish or two next paycheck (be good to wait a week anyways, just in case the bubble eye was a symptom the tank is having a problem).

I really don't want to work today. I love my job, I love moving around, but I don't love it today.
worldoflucky: (Default)
I woke up about 20 minutes ago. I am not sure what causes me to wake up at 2:45 am, especially first night after DST. It was not a horribly bad dream, it had me and [ profile] ethicalcannibal wandering some back roads up in Granite Falls. We met some younger people and she started talking to them about old punk bands. Nothing too horrible but I woke up feeling anxiety. It wasn't anything that she said, I wasn't worried about anything she might do, nor worried about anything happening to us (I may be getting a little long in the tooth, but still not intimidated by teens-mid twenties). The only thing I specifically remember being said was one of the people commented we must have liked punk in the '90's and [ profile] ethicalcannibal corrected them and said 80's.

Fortunately I think I am starting to get tired again, I just don't understand why I woke up feeling super stressed. I had a great day with my friends gaming, things went well there. I spent the last couple hours before bed hanging with the wife and watching "human sized sperm" special on National Geographic and I went to sleep next to my beautiful wife while she watched Wild Wild West on her laptop. I realize I get anxiety sometimes, I think its a family trait (and probably explains why many in my family do drugs or drink to go to sleep). I am just not sure what to do about it. Its not near the "holidays" when I get the crazy anxiety due to worries. I don't think I am specifically worried about my family, so not sure why I am experiencing anxiety.

I wonder if its partially due to how early my current audit is making me get up. Maybe I am hitting a critical mass of not enough sleep and too much "have to be up extremely early" that my body and mind is freaking out. Or maybe its just my body and mind freaking out because there is something chemically wrong. I am considering options to help sleep, including working out more, maybe a drink, maybe trying to get up later (well after this audit maybe). I will have to work on that for awhile, now that I am feeling a bit more tired, maybe I can go back to sleep now.

Rough Night

Jul. 8th, 2009 05:33 am
worldoflucky: (Default)
Yesterday went very well. I got to work at 6am, was off by 2pm and was hanging out with [ profile] imake1tgirl and [ profile] finnegwyn for the evening. We saw episode 2 of Sanctuary (not too bad of a show). I then went to bed around 11:30 or so and woke up from some weird dreams with an anxiety attack (not sure if it was from real life or from the dream).

Had a strange dream about trying to play badminton with a bunch of people, there were other details but I can't remember anymore. Not sure why it made me so anxious.

I then woke up a little after 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. So here I am with less then 5 hours sleep getting ready for work. At least tonight I will get to work out, I think part of my problem is not enough physical activity. Weight Lifting is great for that, maybe I can get some sleep then.


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